Boundaries, gaming & the pre-teen years
It’s often said that the hardest thing about parenting is that it doesn’t come with a manual, it’s a role which parents can learn only on the job. Even when there is advice it can be contradictory, and you don’t know what to do for the best. It is so difficult that finding the right way forward can sometimes be like looking for a light at the end of a dark tunnel - while wearing a blindfold.
One of the most frequently mentioned issues for many parents today is gaming, and how to best manage and supervise the time your child spends online. A quick search online took me to some commonly asked questions regarding screen time: ‘Should I be eliminating screen time?’, ‘Am I better reducing screen time?’, ‘Should I implement a screen time chart?’, ‘Is Fortnite appropriate for kids?’, ‘When should kids start screen time?’ Where where do we begin to answer these questions?
Games can be a harmless way for our kids to decompress, perhaps after a stressful day in the classroom: they can be recreational and fun. They can even be social areas to interact with others. But it is paramount that this is done safely, and a key factor in achieving this is to set boundaries. Not only does this give parents peace of mind, but it can also help children to understand, and feel safer with, the limits of their play. However, they can trigger a response from your child like shouting, storming off, slamming the door or even crying in disappointment. We often forget that this can be as hard on the parent as for the child. That brief negative interaction might leave us feeling stressed, anxious, even guilty.
These gaming negotiations frequently happen in my household too. It’s important to remember that setting a boundary or making a decision doesn’t have to be set in stone until the day they turn 18. Parenting is largely making decisions but sometimes we have to recognise that we can be flexible. I find that at times I am automatically saying ‘No’ to something, and then I’m faced with questions of ‘Why?’.. and if I’m able to be curious at the time I can ask myself just that. Good parenting isn’t making decisions and sticking firm to them. We also get things wrong, and we are allowed to make a ‘wrong’ decision and update it as we learn.
One of the things that I think isn’t talked about enough is the bigger issue behind screen time and gaming. Screen time is a symptom of a wider problem in my opinion. As children we are primed for achievement at school, encouraged to grow and develop onto higher education and university into high flying careers. Kids are now frequently overstimulated and overworked to keep in line with targets, so when they return home they need time to unwind. Naturally, screen time is a popular go to and -let’s face it- a convenience to us as we go about our own busy lives or even have a moment to ourselves.
As parents, we are often overstimulated, overstretched and overworked.We are generally expected to work like we don’t have children and raise children as though we don’t work. And therein lies the problem of trying to do it all, all the whilst trying to muster the energy and time to interact with our children in meaningful ways, and feeling guilty about screens when we can’t.
It is the way that screens are used that can be problematic. Research has shown that games are structured to press buttons in young minds, alternately stimulating the senses and rewarding their online actions. This activity can release the brain’s dopamine, commonly called the ‘pleasure chemical’ but which actually controls behaviour - in this case to motivate them to seek more interaction. It is right that too much time online has been linked to mood swings, attention spans, sleep patterns. That may be why a child, once stimulated - or even hyper-stimulated - can be resistant to stopping. The excitement and fast-paced play of the game can render a youngster highly aroused - ‘high as a kite’ is a common way of putting it. Suddenly expecting them to break off can cause problems, even confrontation. So try a different strategy. Give them five or ten minute warnings before play stops. Sit with them to help calm them down. Remind them of the boundaries you set before the game began. If they are upset or anxious, why not initially try to show them you understand how they feel?
Games are not inherently bad, but the way they are used can be. This advice is not for everyone. We all have to find what works best for us, and some families may have no issues around games. But for those who do, try:
- Take your time over decisions. Its perfectly plausible to tell your child you are going to take time to consider your stance on a game they want to access and do your research. That way you can be informed and less likely to later take something away that you’ve previously allowed.
- Beware of getting stressed. Take some time to practice your own emotional regulation, try pausing even for 30 minutes before you react.
- Remember how young minds work. Understand that their emotional brain is immature and setting a boundary out of nowhere is almost certainly going to result in tears.
- Doing what’s good for your child does not make you a bad parent
- Do what works for you and your family. What’s right for one family isn’t the case for everyone.
-Remember you are the parent and in control. Don’t let anger or confrontation get in the way of needing to parent.
-If and when you do allow screen time, don’t feel guilty for it. Remember there can be positives with it too and you are allowed to have time for yourself even if its short lived!